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[Jul. 21st, 2005|04:59 pm] |
I've met many people since finding the Nexus. Some think I am a heartless monster who doesn't deserve a second chance. Others accept what I have done and seem to want to help. But I cannot help feeling that something is lacking. That A part of me is missing. Since relinquishing the Dark Side, I've been feeling inexplicably weaker. Like my source of power is gone. I don't know what is happening ot me.
Padmé has been a great source of comfort, and she says she has forgiven me. I'm grateful for that, But what I wonder is, can I ever forgive myself? Like Mara Jade said, I keep seeing the faces of all the innocents I've killed, waiting on the other side of the Force. Waiting for me to join them. I cannot get them out of my mind. It's as if, they want to torment me until I become like them. I am afraid to sleep now.
Today I went to the ruins of the Jedi Temple and collected the ashes of the younglings. It still makes me uneasy to think of what I became at Sidious' hand. That's why I know I have to become stronger. So that something like that will never happen again, and one day I will kill Sidious.
I tried to awhile ago, but I was badly wounded. Invoke, Akane and the reborn Padmé have tried to dissuade me from going up against Sidious again, but my mind is made up. I will train and become strong enough to kill him. One day, years from now, we will meet again, and it will be the last time, for one of us.
I can only hope that one day I can find peace, and redemption, and can live with my wife and children, undisturbed... |
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[Jun. 23rd, 2005|11:22 am] |
I am frustrated. My efforts to begin an uprising of Anakins and Jedi against Sidious have come to nothing. Since I asked only the Anakins many people thought I was conceited. It is not that. I know nothing about the ability of any of the others in the Nexus, I am only confident in my own abilities. Therefore, I only asked all versions of me, because I know what we are capable of. I do not want to get anybody killed. It's curious as well, that many bear animosity towards me. Uncomplimentary names are hurled at me, everytime I speak in the Nexus. Is this punishment, penance, for what I nearly became?
I have not seen my Padme for what seems an eternity. Inside I feel lost without her. I must go back, but I am afraid. Afraid of what she might think of what I have become. This person, this monster. Also, according to the inhabitants of the Nexus, I try to kill Padme with the Force. Maybe it is best that I stay away, for her sake. I do not want to hurt my Angel... |
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[Jun. 20th, 2005|11:56 am] |
After arriving in the Nexus. I have seen two Padmes. However neither is from my timeline. I have seen the reborn version of myself, and Padme being very happy together. And I wonder, would my Padme and I be as happy if she were here?
Lately I have found myself losing control of my anger, and frustration more easily. I explode and all I ever seem to want to do is fight. Why is this? What is happening to me? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2005|02:32 pm] |
Anakin Skywalker vs. Palpatina.
((Hoping she shows up that is...)) |
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